We Should Ban Young Children From Public Spaces

DISCLAIMER: This post is mostly not serious, except for the restaurant part.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t get along that well with children. Sure there are the rare exceptions where a child is not horrible, but this is so rare that it barely counts. That’s why I think I have a solid argument for why children should legally be banned from public spaces.

  1. They’re Loud

The sound of a baby crying can be used as a tool of torture. You may be able to tune out your kid when they’re loudly screaming “mommy, mommy, mommy”, but the rest of us can’t. Stop chugging your wine and teach your kid how to be quiet. Also, stop calling wine ‘mommy juice’. Legally, you should be fined if your child cries or screams in public. It’s noise pollution.

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  1. They’re Ugly

“Oh, not MY baby! He’s the rare good-looking baby!”

Sorry, he’s not. ALL children are ugly. They look like tiny, doughy versions of humans and they all look the same. No, your child doesn’t look just like his father. He looks like a blob with eyes. I’m not saying all ugly people should be banned from going outside, but there’s something almost disturbing about the round, squishy baby faces that seems to be everywhere. They should be kept hidden away until they are fully formed, if only to stop my nightmares.

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  1. They’re Gross

I’ve seen children with snot covering their face more often than I’ve seen children without snot covering their faces. Any child still wearing a nappy always smells vaguely of faeces no matter what and the fact that they’re defecating on themselves in public is disgusting. Until your child is toilet trained and knows how to blow their nose, keep them at home. Children should be banned from any restaurant that doesn’t specifically exist for kids. Watching children eat is disgusting. Half chewed food everywhere, dribbling down their chins, open mouthed chewing, milkshake all over the table, spraying their food everywhere when they scream…

It needs to end.

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  1. They’re Stupid

The amount of times I’ve had to resist the urge to kick a dumb child blocking up a grocery store aisle for no good reason is countless. If your child doesn’t have basic spatial awareness, why are you letting them outside? Are you that desperate for some ‘mommy juice’ that you couldn’t wait until your depressed husband got home to look after the kids before you went to go ruin the grocery store for everyone else?

So, what’s the plan?

If you elect Kaya for president, I vow to ban kids from all public spaces. There will be designated areas they are allowed to go such as kids’ restaurants and play-parks, but all other places including cinemas, restaurants, clothing stores, grocery stores and so forth will be for people over the age of 12 only.

To all you parents out there, I bear you no ill will. I just think your parenting is awful.

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